A teaching story from West Africa on empathy and tolerance.

On the first day of the week, the trickster God Eshu walked down a country road wearing a strange hat -- red on one side and  white on the other.  He walked between two friendly neighbors who were plowing their fields.   

At lunch the neighbors talked about the stranger who passed their farms. 

"What a fine white hat that man wore."

"White?  No my friend, the sun must have been in your eyes.  It was a brilliant red."

"Are you calling me a liar? It was white as the milk from my cows."

"Do you think I’m an idiot?  It was red as the blood I will draw from your nose!"

"White!"

"Red!"

"White!"

"Red!"

Their argument soon escalated into a vicious brawl.  The neighbors gathered to try to stop them but

both men screamed, insisting each was right and the other wrong.

Finally, Eshu the trickster returned.  He chastised them and showed them his hat.  How sad to lose their friendship in defense of the color of a hat! 

© 2013  Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Question from a friend: How can I practice EI?

One way is to journal every day with total honesty.  I'll write without censorship and courageously observe my less-than-stellar traits.  I’ll investigate and accept all my thoughts and feelings – even those that seem "wrong," "bad," or "weird."  As I face my envy or pettiness or competitiveness, I’ll learn empathy for others with similar struggles.  As I forgive and accept myself, I’ll develop compassion.   

New Customer Service classes!

Could your organization use a fun refresher?

 (This workshop is analytical and focuses on examining organizational processes and norms -- not as dry as it sounds!  Interactive and lively.  We remember what we experience. 

Building a Customer-Oriented Culture

An effective customer- centric culture provides customer experiences so moving and memorable that they increase customer loyalty. Ardent loyalty is an emotional connection with a business that leads customers to always choose your product or service and to recommend your service to others.

By the end of this session participants will:

• Understand the difference between a business-centric and a customer-centric culture.
• Understand key attributes of a customer oriented culture and evaluate their organization against this list.
• Identify what every employee should know about the customers at their organization.
• Explore the importance of keeping employees close to customers regardless of their position in the customer service chain.
• Identify "touch points" where employees can enhance customer service.
• Explore a tool to map customer needs and expectations.
• Understand the power of emotions in customer interactions.

(This is a more basic introduction to themes of customer service and EI. It includes possible skill practices of challenging situations with customers.)

 Using Emotional Intelligence to Create Exceptional Customer Service

Emotions drive our behaviors and directly impact our interactions with customers (both internal and external). By recognizing the emotional needs hidden in daily communications, we can create a context for care that leads to delighted customers.

By the end of the workshop attendees will:

• Understand the emotional needs of our patrons.
• Discover how emotional intelligence relates to customer service.
• Explore the impact of nonverbal communication and reflect on my own habits.
• Practice 4 skills for customer satisfaction: Active Listening, Empathetic Response, Articulate Apology, and Determined Problem-solving.
• Understand the interdependence between internal and external customers.
• Understand how emotions function and the reaction cycle of emotions.
• Explore how to tame emotions.

And here's an "oldie but a goodie."   

(This class is geared toward employees that need to defuse irate customers.)

 Dealing with Difficult Customers

Do your employees face angry customers?

This interactive workshop teaches concrete techniques to defuse customer anger.  Participants will learn ways to calm customers and avoid behaviors or language that might escalate conflict.  

By the end of this session participants will:

• Understand both the emotional and practical needs of our customers.
• Recognize verbal "baits" and how to handle them.
• Use the CARP technique to manage angry customers:  (control, acknowledge, refocus and problem solve).
• Explore self-talk and its role in our behavior with customers. 
• Understand the difference between confrontational and cooperative language.
• Practice 7 tactics for regaining control of an escalating conflict with a customer.

© 2013 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Developing EI is Simple. (Yeah, right.)

It’s embarrassing to admit but I sometimes find myself searching for a magic bullet to teach emotional intelligence.  I keep searching for that one perfect example or exercise to transform myself and my participants.

I fall into this trap because developing emotional intelligence is based on very basic everyday activities.  Can these simple actions really transform our lives?  Yes!  In the same way that doing small stretches everyday changes the body. 

Today I’m reminding myself:  while developing EI is often challenging and the work of a lifetime, it isn’t based on complex knowledge. 

We can develop our emotional intelligence everyday through

Listening Deeply --- to the words of others (develop empathy) and to our inner dialogue and our body’s sensations (self-awareness).

Reflecting—on our actions, words, triggers (to understand our patterns of behavior).

Journaling  and/or Talking with others about our emotions– to bridge the divide between what our limbic (emotional brain) knows and what our “higher” thinking cortex knows (gaining the wisdom hidden in emotions).

Practicing New Thoughts and Behaviors and continuing to Listen, Reflect, and Journal/Talk to transform our patterns of behavior.

© 2013 Laura Lewis-Barr all rights reserved

Picture helps us focus our storytelling

Stories help us connect with others, sell a product, land a job, build empathy, motivate and persuade others.   This simple graph can help us remember to build stories from challenges we face and the pivotal events that caused us to grow or learn.  

Simple model to create stories for interviews, networking and other career events.

When I teach storytelling for job seekers or those seeking career advancement I offer the STAR model.  Frame your story around a Situation, Task needing completion, Action you took (that saved the day), and the (stellar) Result.  This model can help us create a concise yet compelling story that builds empathy and connection with others.

Need to Motivate Your Team (or Yourself?)

Spaces are still available for this class at Waubonsee College!   

This is one of my favorite DDI courses. Previous participants have found the ideas to be fresh, innovative, and practical. Class size will be small, you or your staff will have plenty of time to explore your specific needs.

Motivating Others 10/24, 8:00am-12:00pm

In today's fast-paced, global business environment, external forces are compelling companies to change their business practices to stay competitive. In this course, you will learn how to proactively create an environment in which people are highly motivated to perform. You will explore the three factors that affect the motivation of employees:  focused work, interpersonal support, and individual value.  

As a result of this course, you will be able to determine which factors are low in your individual workplace and emerge with both a plan of specific actions and the skills needed to build group and individual motivation. Fee includes: materials.

To register visit this page:

Emotional Intelligence at the Movies

We just watched "Bernie" with Jack Black.  While my hubby and I wouldn't call it a "great movie," I'd recommend it from an EI perspective.  It is especially interesting because it is based on a true story of a man who was able to create happiness in any kind of circumstance.  It also contained an example of a "emotional hijack." 

How do we gain "political" intelligence?

I read this question in a recent Linkedin group.  It reminded me of a study in a great EI book-- "Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions" by James Pennebaker.  The study indicated that when we deny or repress our emotions, our ability to conduct complex analysis can be diminished and we can be conned by salespeople, politicians, etc.  One explanation is that as energy is expended in one part of the brain (working at repressing the disturbing emotion), other brain functions may not work as well.  This makes sense to me.

Courage at work

Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway. - John Wayne

Think about problems in a workplace. If we're honest, don't many of our struggles with teams and other coworkers stem from a lack of courage? We're afraid to give accurate feedback or make a frank complaint. Instead we might gossip to others or avoid a necessary conversation. Performance reviews aren't the only time to have a courageous conversation. Every time we opt out of sharing a vital truth, we lose the benefits of courage in the workplace. We lose trust, authenticity, and the aliveness that comes from living honestly.

How do we develop such courage?

Leslie E. Sekerka (interviewed by Kristin Bjorn) gives some helpful tips in Character First Magazine. She suggests practicing several key skills to help develop moral courage.   They are also key EI skills.

Courageous people employ:

• Emotional signaling: People with professional moral courage do not ignore, repress, or sublimate negative feelings. They use this affective information as a signal to proceed with caution and care.
• Reflective pause: During this break individuals examine possible avenues for right action, often weighing the pros and cons of the circumstances, while also thinking about potential implications.
• Self-regulation: Managing one's feelings and desires is vital, demonstrating an ability to apply restraint coupled with an ability to move forward.

To read the entire article visit this link:

We're not alone.

Just met with another client and am always struck by how universal our problems are.  We think we're unique and suffering alone.  We're mostly struggling with the same issues.  That fact always helps my clients feel a little better.  That, and the fact that behavior can change with insight and effort.

Today's tweet

Improve your public #speaking? Small class! 8/8, 9-5 #Waubonsee College, Sugar Grove, IL. 1 day lifechanger.  Fun too. http://twt.mx/RumH

What's your conflict style?

How do you handle conflict?  Typically, where do you find yourself on the graph below?  While there are times when avoiding, accommodating, competing, and compromising are appropriate reactions-- for best long-term results,  collaborating is most effective.  This style of resolving conflict requires a mindset of curiosity, creativity, and comfort with uncertainty.  Collaborating may take longer than compromise but its win/win solutions feel great.  They build morale and can further increase motivation and

innovation.

Join us this Sunday at the Life Force Arts Center!    More info.

Embodied Myth:  Exploring “The Three Languages”

Embodied Myth is a depth group process that uses the great body of world literature to gain a better understanding of ourselves and our connection to the world around us.  Through Embodied Myth, we gain a greater understanding of what is going on under the surface of life, using the myth as a tool, a guide, and a safe structure. We reconnect with unrecognized parts of ourselves, the archetypal forces tugging inside and outside us. We also encounter the healing wisdom hidden in myths and fairytales. The archetypal themes in these old stories hold true across cultures and time.

The German fairy tale The Three Languages explores the hero’s journey, our connection to animals, and our own instincts. Using storytelling, meditation, role-playing, and discussion, we enter the story on a deep and personal level, and at the same time realize our connection to another time and place. Come join us in a storytelling circle.  We’ll explore our own mythic journeys and meet archetypes within the story and within ourselves.  No acting experience necessary, participants can choose to act or be part of the audience. 

A simple diagram for a complex set of skills

This is from Daniel Goleman's newest book on EI

Ben Franklin and New Year's Resolutions

Just found this list of virtues developed by Ben Franklin.  A good reminder for living a healthier, more balanced life.  Could be useful if you're looking for a New Year's resolution.

Benjamin Franklin’s Virtues and Precepts

·  TEMPERANCE  -Eat not to Dullness, Drink not to Elevation

·  SILENCE - Speak not but what way benefit others or your self. Avoid trifling conversation.

·  ORDER -Let all your Things have their Places. Let each Part of your Business have its Time.

·  RESOLUTION - Resolve to perform what you ought. Perform without fail what you resolve.

·  FRUGALITY - Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself: i.e. Waste nothing.

·  INDUSTRY - Lose no Time – Be always employed in something useful. – cut off all unnecessary Actions.

·  SINCERITY - Use no hurtful Deceit. Think innocently and justly;and, if you speak; speak accordingly.

·  JUSTICE - Wrong none, by doing Injuries or omitting the Benefits that are your Duty.

·  MODERATION - Avoid Extremes. Forbear resenting Injuries so much as you think they deserve.

·  CLEANLINESS - Tolerate no Uncleanness in Body, Clothes or Habitation.

·  TRANQUILITY - Be not disturbed at Trifles, or at Accidents common or unavoidable.

Quote to Live By

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
---Steve Jobs

Quote from my friends at Six Seconds

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."
- Viktor Frankl

Are you missing some important data today?

According to Peter Salovey (Yale University), Emotions are "real-time feedback signals."  What are your emotions telling you today?

An important reminder. Anger is not the problem.

 Angry feelings contain information.  How we use this information (our behavior) is key.  Our anger can motivate us positively—to try harder.  Or negatively, to give up or lash out.  Repressing anger is not the same as managing anger.  Repression backfires.  Managing anger allows us to communicate effectively with others and obtain useful information (and motivation) for ourselves.